Lost Soul
by Sarryb
Summary: COMPLETE! Greg Sanders tells how and why he ended up in jail. A harrowing story of how one incident can change someone's life forever. Rated M for later chapters.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Greg Sanders, or any other CSI person I name.**

**This idea came to me in a random flash while I was reading a fic by GregRox, so I suppose I owe her a thank you for unknowingly inspiring me. I rated it M as later on some 'hard' stuff happens. When those chapters come around I'll put a warning on them, just to give people a heads up. All of my other fics so far have been 'case' based, or pretty humourous. So this is a little different for me. It's sad. Maybe not so sad in this chapter, but in my head... it's sad, so please keep reading...**

_**Lost Soul**_

_**It's boring here. Every day is the same. People say routine is good. But when it's regimented, no, believe me, it's not good. I've been put in isolation because of who I am. Not because of what I've done. Others are in this section because they are paedophiles, or rapists of the elderly, me, because I'm a CSI. There are people in General Population that I may have helped put there. It's just not safe. For now I'm protected, but I'm sure they won't pay for me to stay in this section forever. It's the boredom that's encouraged me to write this diary. I was thinking about writing about my day to day life. Then after the first page I tore it out. No one wants to hear how I got up, went to the bathroom, ate, laid down, exercised, ate, slept, used the bathroom... So I thought maybe I should write about what I did, and why. Not to condone it, not even to myself. I know what I did was wrong. I deserve to be here, to pay. That guy is never coming back, his family will never see him again. This is my punishment; my penalty, I'm paying my dues. This is what happened, the truth. Though if anything exciting happens in here, I might just have to write it in. Because to be honest, this is a diary, and that's what they are for. It's not like I have anyone to talk to. Except maybe Bob. Bob's the guard of my section of isolation. He's a good guy. I like him. But back to my story. This is how and why it all happened.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**About five years ago I met a wonderful girl. I never thought I'd find 'the one' but Brooke, she was it. I was sure of it. When I said it was forever, I meant it. After only three weeks I wanted her to move in with me. She was a little unsure, but I convinced her. I swear the day she'd moved her things in I was floating on air. The guys at work mocked me, sure, but it was all in good fun. I think they loved the fact that at last I was stating to settle down. Brooke fitted into my life perfectly, she was the final piece of the puzzle that I needed to complete my life. She was my crutch to lean on in hard times; my joy, laughter, smiles. She was also my conscience. Then one day she was just gone. This is hard for me to write about. But as I believe this is where this story starts, I will endeavour to tell my tale from the beginning.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**A year ago, four years into our perfect relationship, my life was shattered. Ruined. Wrecked. To me, over. I got the call at work. Nick had found me processing some dna. Told me that there had been an accident and I needed to get to the hospital and fast. I cried all the way there, even though I didn't know quite what had happened or what I'd find. My heart was aching in fear, and I felt nauseous, my stomach churning. I'd pulled into a parking space, I didn't park straight. I don't even know if I remembered to lock the car. All I knew was I needed to get in there, to get to Brooke. I ran haphazardly through the halls until someone stopped me and asked who I was trying to find. They pointed me in the right direction. I walked quietly into the room. There, motionless on a hospital bed, with it's crisp white sheets was my soul mate. She was alive, just. Clinging to life by a thread. She was in a coma, not on any life support, but unconscious. Non responsive, but breathing. There was also brain activity. They just couldn't work out why she was in this state. They told me it was the shock. There were injuries, sure, but they could be fixed, mended. Just seeing her vulnerable body laying there brought me to tears again. I felt optimistic as the doctors seemed to be upbeat about her condition. I took a week off work, sat by her bed every day, leaving only to shower or to catch a bite to eat. Time passed slowly, I slept very little, but when I did, it was always with my head on her hand. That way if she moved, I'd know.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**The lights out alarm just sounded. I have to go. The lights will be switched off in ten minutes. Not enough time for me to do this tale justice. I'll dry the tears that have escaped while I've been writing. Recalling these details is hard, and is causing me much pain. But to feel any sort of redemption I need to get it all out, write it down. This way in the future I won't have to explain to people, I can just give them this notebook and let them read for themselves. I will have to thank Bob again for getting it for me. To me, it's a godsend. So until tomorrow...**_

**A/N: Please review. I know everyone asks that, but I really love feedback. I really love to know what people think.  
Sarry xx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: So, anyone you've heard of before... not mine.**

**This chapter is sad. Well I thought it was...**

**Enjoy.**

_**Two**_

_**Bob woke me this morning. That concerned me right away. He's never done it before. The look on his face made a shiver run down my spine; and my initial feeling was right. It wasn't good news. I'm being moved to Gen Pop first thing in the morning. He gave me a box and told me that when I had time I needed to pack up the few things that I had. He looked sad and scared. I felt a warmth towards him, and smiled like it was all okay. My stomach was turning somersaults. I laughed inwardly at him telling me 'when I had time.' Time is all I do have in here. I did my obligatory hour in the exercise yard. Keeping to myself as usual. Then I packed up my stuff, all except this here little notebook. I need to continue with my story.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**After the fifth day, my life at the hospital had a routine. I saw the doctor on his rounds before taking my shower and grabbing a bite to eat. While the doctor was there, I always observed him check Brooke's vitals before I took off. This day was no exception. I returned after thirty minutes, sat myself down and spoke to her, the same as every day. Told her how much I loved her. That everything was going to be fine. That when she woke up, maybe we should take a vacation. Just the two of us. As I was talking to her, holding her hand I felt a squeeze, a very light one. I looked down at my hand. My mouth dropped open. It was the first sign of life from her since she'd been rushed there. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to leave, but I needed to call a nurse or a doctor, or someone! I saw her eyes flicker, very slightly. My heart was leaping, my girl was coming back to me. One of her eyes opened slightly, I saw her lips part. She said something, something so quiet I couldn't hear. I stood up and leaned in closer. I asked, no, begged her to say it again. Then I heard it, breathy, so quiet...goodbye. She said goodbye. Then her eyes closed and the heart monitor alarm sounded. She flatlined.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**I pressed the red emergency button. I was howling, sobbing. Panicking like I never had before. More than I had panicked when Nick had originally sent me to the hospital. I was screaming her name as the doctors and nurses poured into the room. One grabbed my arm, pulled me from the room. She took me to a waiting room sat me down and promised to return soon with news. The sobs wouldn't stop. She'd said goodbye. She'd given up. Time passed. I knew they only tried to revive people for so long. But I didn't know how long. I paced. My shirt was soaking from my tears, I don't even know where I'd stored all the tears that I was expending. The door opened, and I could tell from the look on the nurse's face that it was bad news. I sank into a chair, and the tears came faster and thicker. She sat next to me and rubbed my back. She didn't have to do that, but she did. It was then that she dropped the biggest bombshell. **_

_**'Mr. Sanders,' she'd said to me, 'I'm so sorry, but there was nothing we could do for the baby either. They tried, they delivered her, but it was too late.'**_

_**Baby? I stopped crying. I think it was the shock of what she had just said. I asked her what she meant. She explained that Brooke had been four months pregnant.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**I didn't even know. If Brooke knew she hadn't told me. To this day I wonder if she was going to surprise me with the news. There was a lump in my throat. I was going to be a Daddy, I hadn't even known, and my daughter had been taken away from me. I cried again. So hard. I tried to explain I hadn't known. The nurse was hushing me, rocking me. I got a little mad. Not with her, she was being great. Then I decided. The look on her face when I demanded that I see my baby, to hold her, was pure shock. She tried to explain, she was small, fragile, so tiny. I didn't care. She was my baby girl and I just wanted to hold her, stroke her face. Just to see her. The nurse left. I thought she was going to come back with a doctor who would tell me it was impossible to see my daughter. But she didn't. Instead she came back with a tiny bundle. There was a single tear running down the nurse's face as she handed me my baby. She was wrapped in a pink blanket, she was so tiny. I kissed her head. Opened the blanket and counted her fingers and toes. My tears splashed onto her tiny body. I wrapped her back up and held her close to me. Right into my chest. I leant into her and whispered into her tiny unhearing ear. I told her I named her Brooke, after her mother. Her beautiful, caring wonderful mother who would look after her wherever they had both gone. I told her I loved her, that I'd love them both forever. Then I handed her back to the nurse, who was now crying her eyes out. I asked for her to make sure she was named. That they were kept together until the arrangements were made. She nodded through her tears, she couldn't speak. Then I watched sorrowfully as she left with my most perfect creation. It was then that my soul died.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**I stayed there, in that room for the next four hours. I didn't leave until Nick came from the lab to take me home. As soon as he'd heard he'd came. He was mad at me for not calling him. By then I thought I was all cried out, but when I told him about my baby, the tears cascaded once more. He hugged me. Told me it was going to be okay. Little did he know where all this would end up, but I was grateful that day for Nick Stokes, my friend. He took me home.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**Oh damn! The alarm just sounded again. Tomorrow I'm going to be moved to the other part of the jail. Hopefully everything will be okay. I'll have a cell mate, and have to mingle amongst the other prisoners. Bob said to try to keep to myself. He said he's told some of the guards over there to look out for me. He's such a good guy. I'll continue my story then, from my new cell and I'll report on my first day in Gen Pop, if I survive it.**_

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed it. I hope it made you sad, not because I'm weird, but because that was my intention. Thanks for any reviews. I appreciate them so much. Please feel free to review this chapter.  
Sarry xx**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: same ole same ole... not mine and that.**

**Only warning for this chapter is violence. Not graphically described, and maybe a little bit of language, but nothing that wouldn't take it past PG-13.**

**Thanks for the continued readership, alerts, favouriting and reviews, you guys know who you are, and you rock!**

_**Three**_

_**So my first day in Gen Pop came and went. Bob walked me over. There were plenty of cat calls and whistles. I was so nervous. The guy I'm sharing with is okay, he doesn't say much. I suppose it has only been a day. I'm just grateful to still be here. The stories and Bob's anxiety had made me so scared. I suppose anything that gets dished out to me I deserve. If I hadn't have committed a crime I wouldn't be here. I got tripped a few times, some nasty looks. Nothing I can't handle. I'm so tired though I can't continue to tell my story tonight. Maybe tomorrow. The other guy is across the cell and looking at me like I'm a little odd. I'm going to be brave and ask what he wants. Okay, so he just wanted to know what I was writing. I explained it's my journal. He didn't laugh. I'm pleased. He just said he wished he had the inclination to write things down. Then he turned his back on me, and now he's snoring. Time for me to sleep.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**I knew my first day had been too easy. I've just been brought back from the infirmary. I was having an okay day. Lenny, my cell mate and I had a talk, chatted about what we'd done and why we were here. He's a tough guy, but alright. He said he'll look out for me, but he won't be with me all the time. I felt a little happier after that revelation. Breakfast went without a hitch, as did yard time. Then came dinner time. I was just stood in line, holding my tray. I didn't make eye contact with anyone. I'm not a fool. As I walked away with a tray full of food a foot tripped me. I fell and landed face first in my dinner. I know that some of the guards are good guys, though I'd learned previously that some of them aren't. In fact a few, when together are as bad as the prisoners. As it happened, none of the good guys were on shift, and a whole bunch of the bad guys were. So no one stepped in as the first kick cracked into my side. I felt a searing pain in my ribs. I pulled myself up, thinking that the one kick was just a token gesture for me falling down. As I'd raised my head I saw I was surrounded by at least six guys, one of them had gravy on the front of his t-shirt. It was right then I realised I wasn't wearing all of my food on my face. That some of it had flown the coop and landed on this shaven headed guy. I tried to apologise, he gave me a toothless grin, a scary, evil, I'm gonna kick your ass toothless grin. I tried to back away. There were people all around me and Lenny was nowhere to be seen. The first punch floored me again. Then the hail came. Punches rained down on me, kicks smacked into me, and spit landed in my eyes. I curled into a ball as I was pummelled. The guards must have finally decided I'd had enough and separated the crowd. They pulled me painfully to my feet and almost dragged me to the infirmary.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**The infirmary staff had dismissed the waiting guard. He was enjoying the situation far too much. They told him they had ample security and that they'd call him when I needed transferring back. The guy who patched me up was excellent. He treated me with dignity, and done his job well. He checked for broken bones, and gave me some painkillers. He told me I'd been lucky, that he'd seen much worse. He also said if I was fortunate, this was it for me, my initiation. That now I'd be accepted. I can only hope he's right.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**When I first arrived back at the cell, Lenny tried to act unconcerned. After about ten minutes he did come over and ask if I was okay. I thanked him and told him that the painkillers were good. He laughed a lot; then apologised for not being there. I told him not to worry, I wasn't his concern. He nodded, and took himself back to his bunk. Lenny had committed a murder, he'd killed a dude who raped his little sister. He wasn't a danger to anyone else. But he said he never told anyone in here that before. It wasn't information I was going to share. He'd pleaded guilty to avoid the death sentence. He told me during our little talk that sometimes he regrets it, that he should've just chosen the needle instead. I told him to never give up hope; that I understood why he'd done what he did. But I also said it wasn't right. He'd agreed, though he didn't regret it for one moment.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**I think I have a little time to continue my tale. Two weeks after both of my Brookes passed away, the funeral was held. I asked for the casket to be closed. Her family agreed. My baby was placed in with her mother. I wanted them to be together. It was a heart wrenching time for me. I hadn't returned to work. Nick came to the funeral with me. Attended both the service and the burial. I don't think I ever told him how much that meant to me. As I watched them lower the love of my life into the ground I broke down again. Nick hugged me as I wailed. Held me close like it was the most natural thing to do. I know for him it must have been odd to have been holding me in such close proximity to him, but he didn't budge or show any embarrassment. I love him for that, my friend. After it was all over, I thanked him for coming. He told me to make sure I was ready before I returned to work. I vowed to be back in a week. As it turned out, that was much too soon.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**I'm tired from my day. As I've written it's not been a good one. Even writing that small bit has brought me to tears. I'm trying to be quiet. I don't want to wake Lenny. Tears in here are a weakness. I don't feel I have anything to fear from Lenny, but I really don't think I should let anyone else hear me. I need my sleep. I pray tomorrow will be better. I don't know if I can deal with the same again, or heaven forbid, something worse. So until next time...**_

**A/N: Just to say thank you once again for all the support. Reviews brighten my day, they really do, so don't feel shy, please press the button.**

**I do plan on this fic getting much darker. Sadder and shocking also. Just in case anyone was wondering about the M rating...  
Sarry xx**


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: Greg's not mine... #sigh#**

**Okay, so I promised warnings. This chapter is where the M rating comes in. It may not all be graphic, but there is some language and stuff, some people may be offended by the content. Please be sure that you want to read this, and are mature enough to do so.  
Sarry xx**

**Thanks reviewers, readers, alerters, you guys mean so much to me. xxxx**

_**Four**_

_**It's been a few days since I have written in here. There is a valid reason. I will explain. I only woke up yesterday evening. They tell me I've been unconscious for three days. I'm still in the infirmary, Lenny had one of the guards bring my journal over. He said I write in it a lot, so being one of the good guys, David dropped it over to me. I've been dosed up with painkillers, but painkillers don't block out the memories.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**I was walking back to my cell, it was free time, meaning you can do what you want, go where you please. I was just trying to get back to my cell, I didn't want to be out in the open. My bruises were painful and I was still stiff from my beating. I didn't ever make it back to the safety of my room. I was grabbed by the guy who tripped me at dinner, and dragged into a room that I never even knew existed. I was shocked and disorientated. Once I gained my bearings I looked around. It was then I realised that the guy was not alone. It was the six of them from before. All dotted around the room. I remember drawing in a breath. I was barely over the last beating. I opened my mouth to shout, to scream, but I didn't have time, they were on me like a pack of wolves. They were kicking me in the head, the side, the back. I was still in pain from before; now it was excruciating. I tried to roll into a ball, I could hear the laughter pealing in my ears. Harsh laughter, mean laughter. One of them dragged me to my feet. My ears were ringing, I vaguely remember hearing him say something about me being his bitch while the others laughed. The room was spinning, I felt sick. I hoped it was over, but I was wrong. One of them checked outside the door. They were taunting me, laughing about my vulnerability. Asking me if I wanted to leave. My lips were swollen, I couldn't even move them to beg for them to let me go.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**The guy who was obviously the ringleader approached me. Someone kicked me in the back of the knees so that I fell forwards onto them. The guy in front of me laughed and pointed out how 'I was in the perfect position'. I recoiled, but I was pushed back to my knees. The main guy started to unzip his pants. Two of the others grabbed a hold of my arms so I couldn't move. I struggled weakly. My head was lolling around. I was having trouble controlling it. Their laughter rang out cruelly, why couldn't anyone else hear them? It was then that I was told if I bit down I'd be in trouble. I didn't know what they were talking about, bite down on what? That was when the guy in front of me forced his penis into my mouth. I gagged, tried to spit it out. I was slapped against the back of my head. He was thrusting in and out of my mouth and I thought I was going to be sick. I had to fight the urge to bite down, they said there would be trouble, and right now I believed them. He came in my mouth, and they forced me to swallow. I was crying so hard. They were laughing. Then the beating started again, the kicking and punching. I just wanted to die; right then, just curl up and die. It might have been better if I had, because they weren't finished with me. They dragged me back to my feet and took me over to a table, one of them removed my prison issue pants, then the white supplied boxers and leant me limp over the tabletop. It was then that one by one they raped me. All six of them. I barely cried out. Scared that they'd do something even worse. Not that I could think of anything worse right then. I just wanted to be dead. When they were done with me they threw me bleeding onto the floor. Tossed my clothes into the corner and left. No one found me for a while. In fact, no one even looked until the guard shift changed. That was when Lenny approached David, Bob's friend, and told him that he hadn't seen me in a while. David found me. He covered me up to protect my modesty, then called for a medic. That's the last thing I remember before I blacked out.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**I now know that payback is a bitch and that I must be getting what I deserve. I spoke to David, he said Bob was campaigning to get me back into the isolation block. So far he's had no luck. But David said he was going to continue to plead my case. I've been told that tomorrow I'm back in Gen Pop. I'm scared to death. I know most of the guards aren't good guys, they aren't going to look out for me. There's only so much Lenny can do, and what can I expect from the guy? He's not my keeper. He's only just met me. I'm so frightened I feel sick to my stomach, I just don't know how long I can last in here. The medic guy is just giving me my meds, so I'm going to finish here. They make me sleepy, I welcome sleep. It takes away the pain.**_

**A/N: I know you still don't know what he's done, I will get to it. But his life may just get worse yet...I know, is that possible?!**

**Thanks for the continued support and AMAZING reviews, I love you guys!  
Sarry xx**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I'm bored of disclaiming that I own nothing much, it's kinda depressing, you know the drill...**

**This chapter is not so harsh, in fact it's kind of slow paced, does a little more explaining.**

**I hope you continue to enjoy. Thanks for all the support so far.**

_**Five**_

_**I'm back in Gen Pop. Today I never left my cell. Lenny only left to get food, he brought me back a bread roll. I've not even been for a shower, Lenny chose not to go too. He told me that when I was ready, he'd come with me. I've been very aware of my cuts, bruises, and scars. I walked around the cell a little, and decided that I'm still walking a little oddly. Hopefully people will think it's because of the beatings and not realise about the other stuff that happened. I'm still sore down there, and I'm not allowed the regular flow of painkillers that they were giving me in the infirmary. In fact, I only get them when David is on duty, he's the only guard I trust enough to give me the right pills.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**Today I got another visitor request form from Nick. I denied it just like I have all the others before it. I don't want him coming here and seeing me like this. Not only will it hurt him; I know it will make him feel useless, and I know how much he hates that. He's the only one who still sends in at least one request every few days. The others have given up. Not on me; well, I hope not on me. But on ever getting the green light to visit. Nick's obviously not that easy to dissuade. It's nice to know really, and each request I receive does make me smile. Then I realise what I look like, and how I'd feel if I saw him. I'm sure I'd break down. Then it'd break his heart. So I always check the decline box, and sadly hand it back so he can be informed. I just hope he understands.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**I think I'll write a little more about what happened before I got here and all of this happened. Not that it's a happier tale to tell, but because I started it, and so I should continue. A week passed and I psyched myself up for the return to work. I wasn't ready, and I knew that. But there was no way I was taking any more time off. The sadness was still there, I was very aware it wasn't going to just go away. I was still visiting the grave everyday, just to talk to my honey; to tell her how my day had been and of course how much I missed them both. I returned to the lab and to my disgust found out that I wasn't going to be instantly returning to the field. Grissom put me on lab duty, he said for at least a week. I told him I was fine for the field, but he said no. I felt a burning anger that I don't think I'd ever felt before. It was stronger than the anger I'd felt towards the other driver in Brooke's car accident. That anger had subsided when I'd realised it had been a pure accident, and that the guy was horrified at what had happened. I'd wanted to shove Grissom, there and then, yell at him. But I didn't. He had booked me in to do my gun proficiency exam, so that was a good thing. When I wasn't in the lab, I was down at the range practising.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**Everyone asking me if I was okay didn't really help matters, but I knew their hearts were in the right place, and that they were just concerned about me. In fact, only Nick treated me just like he used to. Maybe because he saw the tears at the funeral, he knew I had grieved. I took the gun exam and passed, not a surprise really, with the amount of time I had been on the range. Me being in the lab was just a formality, there wasn't a lot of actual work for me to do. When they issued my permit, and I got my gun and holster I actually smiled. A real smile. For the first time in a long while I felt I had achieved something. Nick spent a lot of time with me, showing me how to take my own gun apart, and how to clean it and reassemble it. It really helped having his support. I wish I'd told him that. The week was over and I was anxious to get back into the field. Grissom said it was fine. I cheered on the inside. That was until Captain Brass appeared. As it turned out, I wasn't going back into the field as such, more getting to do drive alongs with him for a week. At first I was mad, then just plain sad. I felt none of them trusted me, or believed in me. I never for one moment thought that they were doing it for my own good; to protect me.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**I'm tired of writing. My arm is sore. In the infirmary they said they couldn't believe that nothing was broken, not even a finger or toe. I felt like telling them, I was broken, me! But that plea wouldn't have helped. It's not down to them to move me, they just submit their report. Across the cell Lenny is still watching over me. I hope that guy gets himself sorted out. His sister needs him back on the outside, not in here. It's her he should be watching over. With a heavy heart I'll close the pages of this notebook, and continue soon.**_

**A/N: The next chapter may be a bit of a shocker, but maybe there's a few people out there who are unshockable? Who knows! I hope you liked this installment. Please review, your continued support and comments keep me going. Thanks.  
Sarryxx**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: Still not claiming anything that's not mine.**

**Warning: Another M rated chapter, well it is from my point of view. Language, sexual scenes...**

**I'm sorry for being so mean to Greg, I really don't know where it came from!!**

_**Six**_

_**I can't believe how awful it has been for me in here. I know I said I deserved to pay, but not like this, surely my debt isn't this big! I'm in the infirmary again. David just brought my notebook along this time, I didn't even need to ask him. I finally got brave enough to take a shower. It's one of the most intimidating places in the prison. Obviously you are naked, and there are a lot of other naked criminals around you. I normally run in, wash, run out. Lenny came too, like he'd promised. There was a line, we hung back until we were the last going in. We thought it would be safer. The guards were herding people through, I don't think any of them really liked being on shower duty, there was always four of them, just in case. Lenny and I were both washing as fast as possible, neither of us realised we were the only two left it there. One of the guards, Martin, hurried Lenny along. Presuming I was following behind him, Lenny let himself be rushed out of the shower room. But I wasn't behind him, I was alone in the shower. I suddenly noticed and my heart fluttered in my chest. I don't know why, but maybe just the nervousness of being in there, unprotected. It seemed once again my gut reactions were correct.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**Martin stepped forwards, he told me he'd been tipped off that I was smuggling drugs. I laughed nervously and asked him where he thought I could possibly have drugs, I was naked. The other guards looked at each other and smirked as Martin snapped on a pair of latex gloves. My nervous smile fell right off my face. He told me to face the wall with my hands up against it. I was backing away, telling him right now I couldn't fit anything up there. It was still so painful. He looked at me uncaring and demanded I turn to face the wall. The tears started flowing instantly, I knew how much I was hurting already and if he was going to search up my anal cavity I could quite possibly be in for immense pain. He yelled. I jumped and turned to face the wall. He ordered that I spread my legs apart. I just couldn't bring myself to do it, so he raised his night stick and slammed it against my right thigh. I felt dizzy and nauseous. All I could think was why was he doing this to me? What had I ever done to him? I still didn't spread my legs apart, I think I was actually clenching my butt cheeks together. He yelled at me again, and when I still didn't respond he brought the stick down onto my left thigh. My legs were wobbling, barely able to hold my weight. He'd broken me. I opened my legs and waited for the torture to begin. He searched inside me, I cried out in pain as he rooted around like he seriously believed I had a kilo of heroin stuffed up there. He pulled his hand away. He turned to the other guards and told them there was nothing in there. I'd sighed, I knew that. Thinking it was all over I moved away from the wall.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**He put his hand on my back and roughly shoved me back up against the wall. Told me he hadn't said I could move. I was confused. They were laughing. It was like being amongst the guys who had beaten and raped me, and these were the people who were meant to be watching to make sure this sort of thing didn't happen. He didn't take his hand off my back. In fact he leant in close and whispered in my ear. He said he'd heard I was quite happy to be other peoples bitch, that I was easy. I tried to answer, yell no, but he slammed my face into the wall and my nose started to bleed. The other guards yelled encouragement as Martin unzipped his flies. I could hear every tooth of the zipper. It felt like everything went into slow motion. I couldn't believe this was happening to me again. He kept his hand hard against my back. My chest was flush against the wall, and at some points I could barely breathe. I could hear his breathing though, ragged as he sodomized me. The pain was indescribable. I still hadn't had the chance to heal from before. My body must have been shaking from how hard I was crying. When he was done he let go and I slid down the wall. I was bleeding from both my nose and my anus. The guards left me there, broken on the floor. I slid myself across the floor and under one of the streams of water that was still running from one of the shower heads. Washing away the blood and the feel of him. I knew it was probably the worst thing to do, it was what I'd been trained to tell people not to do. Don't wash away the evidence. But who was I kidding? No one was going to swab me for any evidence. I sat there alone until a voice called my name. It was Lenny.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**Lenny had gotten back to the cell before he realised I hadn't followed right behind. He'd presumed I was enjoying my shower. He hadn't really gotten too suspicious until he saw the shower guards go past and I still hadn't reappeared. So he had ran all the way back to the showers to find me curled up in a ball under a running shower, with blood trailing away from my body. He went and got some towels, and wrapped me in them. He scooped me up and hurriedly carried me back to our cell. He laid me on my bunk and covered me over. I never once stopped crying. He sat next to me on that bunk, didn't leave my side. Not until I heard a bell ringing. Lenny stood up, pulled the blanket over my head and told me not to move, that he'd be right back. He returned soon after with David. The bell was the guard's shift change bell. David pulled the cover back, he took one look at my bleeding body and used his radio to call the infirmary. They sent a medic over, I half-heartedly joked that they could just make a bed up with my name on it in the infirmary. They patched me up again. This time I'd needed stitches. They gave me more painkillers. They also asked who'd done it, there was no way I was stupid enough to say anything.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**After a few hours, one of them was checking my blood pressure when I heard a voice that made me tense up. The voice said that he'd been called to come get me, take me back to Gen Pop. I don't know if there was pleading in my eyes, or if the tensing of my body had given it away, but the medic checking me over left the room. He closed the door behind him, but I could still hear. He told Martin that I wasn't ready to re-join General Population. I knew I probably was. I'd felt worse than this and been made to go back. Martin grumbled about being sent over for no reason, but left without any real argument. The guy came back in. He told me that Bob and David had gone to see the Warden. They now believed if I went back to Gen Pop I could end up dead. Now it was nice to know those guys were trying to help me out; but pretty scary that they thought something so bad could happen. I was grateful for not being sent back with Martin. I get to stay in safety, at least for tonight.**_

**A/N: That chapter was a little longer. It was kinda hard to write cos abuses of power really annoy me.**

**I hope you all are liking, but I should imagine not enjoying, my story.  
****Thanks for the reviews, I love to get them. More are so very welcome.  
Sarry xx**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: CSI stuff belongs to anyone but me.**

**This chapter isn't icky, though it _finally _tells you why Greg is in prison. It's also pretty short. I wanted to make it longer, but didn't see the point in just adding filler.**

**Enjoy.**

_**Seven**_

_**David took me, with a box, back to Gen Pop to get my things. It was sad to say goodbye to Lenny, but I was thankful that finally I was getting moved back into isolation. Lenny seemed a little downcast to see me going. He'd wished me good luck. I offered the same gesture right back at him. I appreciate everything that he's done for me. Even if he thinks it's not enough. I gathered my few things, packed them in the small box and left the nightmare that is General Population behind me. Bob seemed pleased to see me, it was great to see him. I can't believe that he took all the time that he did trying to get me back into the relative safety of the isolation block.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**As it's been uneventful today, and pretty painless due to my painkillers being administered correctly, I don't have a lot to write. So I can continue to write about why I'm here. Where was I? Oh yeah. On the third day accompanying Brass we got a call to attend a road traffic accident. Brass told me that I wouldn't have to leave the car if I didn't want to. I was unsure when we arrived, but decided the only way I'd get back into the field would be to prove that I was ready and that I could even face a RTA. So I climbed out and surveyed the scene in front of me. Two steaming cars, one with a crying woman, the other with a youngish guy climbing out of the driver's side with barely a scratch. He took one look at us and started to run. Brass grabbed a hold of him and shook his head at him. He didn't need to say a word. The guy stood still. Brass asked me to keep an eye on him while he called out to see where rescue was, and to see if someone was going to attend the scene.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**The guy was restless, so I told him to keep still. At first he did, but I felt maybe he wasn't taking me seriously. He moved a little again. I asked him if he thought he didn't need to listen to me as he had done with Brass. He shook his head and stood still a while longer. I could see him looking around, he was very skittish. He was starting to grate on my nerves now. Normally nothing really gets me angry, but maybe the situation; a car accident, made me on edge. So I drew my newly acquired weapon. I asked him if the gun helped him respect what I was saying. That got his attention. He raised his hands and told me he wasn't going anywhere. Brass glanced round just then, he told me to take it easy. I told him I was, the guy wasn't listening and he needed an added incentive to do so. Brass seemed content with my answer. So turned back to his task. I heard sirens in the distance and looked in that direction to see an ambulance approaching. I saw Nick pull up, obviously he'd been assigned this scene. As he climbed out of the car the guy started to complain. He said he didn't need to be there. I was fuming. Told him he was in the accident and needed to help us with our enquiries. He continued to complain. I asked if he even cared what happened to the woman in the other car. His answer was plain, no. I don't know what happened. I think something snapped. I just saw red. He must have seen something in my eyes, because he started to try to move away from me. To this day I really don't know what made me do what I did right then. I put my gun between his eyes and fired. Point blank. Shot him in the head. Nick started to run towards me, as did Brass. It happened so fast, but in my head I remember it in slow motion. Nick already had gloves on as he was about to start processing. He took the gun from me. The people standing nearby watching started to scream, their panic was distorted to my ears. It sounded like an audio tape being played backwards. I was covered in blood spatter, it was running down my face, but I didn't even notice. Nick looked horrified as Brass reluctantly read me my rights. I hung my head.**_

**_-oOo-_**

_**That's what I did to end up here. I didn't plead anything other than guilty. My only explanation was I thought he was going to run. Obviously that wasn't a valid excuse for what I done, and I didn't expect anyone to think it was. There were plenty of witnesses and evidence. I had the gun flush against the kid's forehead, I was lucky not to get a death sentence to be totally honest. After what I've been through, well, it might have been an improvement. However, that's over now. I'm back here, in relative safety. It's been a long day, boring, but long. I can get used to boring.**_

**A/N: This fic is almost over. I know it's pretty short. I've written longer, shorter...one shots feel free to read, and my next one should be longer. It's Miami though, so maybe for a different audience.**

**Thanks for all the reviews, especially those of you that have reviewed each chapter and stayed with me on this little ride through my darker side. I Love all manner of reviews and more are welcomed with open arms! #Hugs#  
Sarry xx**


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own a thing, well I do, storyline and all that, but yeah, you know.**

**This is the final chapter. It's really short. That annoyed me for some time, but I didn't want to add anything. Nothing at all. It said all I wanted it to say. Along the way I suppose I might have missed something, left something unanswered, I hope not. There was only one thing I felt I could've added, but it would've lessened the impact of what I wanted to say.**

**I hope you enjoy.**

**_Eight_**

**_I haven't written in four days. I didn't know what to write. I've told my tale. Not a lot out of the ordinary happens in the isolation block. Today was different though. This morning Bob brought me a message. He was almost crying as he told me the warden was putting me back in Gen Pop. The minute he said it my heart started thumping in my chest and there was a lump in my throat. He had been told there wasn't enough funds to warrant keeping me here. Bob had fought my corner, even said it must be cheaper than all the medical assistance I had needed and would quite possibly continue to need if they placed me back in there. There was also no guarantee that I'd end up back in Lenny's cell, so I could end up in a cell with one of my abusers. If that wasn't bad enough, there was the guards to worry about._**

**_-oOo-_**

**_I waited for Bob to leave before I broke down. I can't go back in there. Someone will kill me and it won't be quick. I've packed my box up, there's nothing I can do. They say cuts heal. But scars are the proof of the hurt and pain. They fade sure, but they never really go away. Hell, my bruises still haven't completely faded. I feel so lost, so alone. I'm full of despair and inner turmoil. If only Brooke hadn't have died, my baby along with her. The emotional pain has washed back over me, I miss her so much. I miss what time I could've spent with my baby girl, the first time she'd say Dada, her first steps, her whole life. My life should've been so different. But that one day... that one day. It changed everything. However much I blame my situation on their deaths, I know that if I hadn't pulled the trigger that day things could be different. The blame lies with me, not them. I don't know if I can go back into Gen Pop, I don't know if I'm strong enough._**

**_-oOo-_**

**_Nick placed the book he'd been reading on the table in front of him. There were tears spilling from his eyes. There was no way he was going to put this notebook back into the box of Greg's possessions. His mother didn't need to read it. Besides, he wanted it, needed it. He was going to use it to bring to justice the assholes who terrorised Greg, ruined him, broke his spirit, mind and body. The warden himself needed to justify his choice, the choice that pushed Greg to the limit. The choice that forced him to make himself a noose from his bed sheets and to hang himself. Nick felt a terrible guilt along with his pain. He read how much Greg appreciated him, and his friendship. He already knew it even if Greg hadn't really voiced it. He wished he'd acted upon it. What sort of friend abandons someone once they are imprisoned? Nick knew he'd requested to visit, but that wasn't enough. He should've been more forceful. If he'd had to, just shown up and made them get Greg. That way he would have known, done something, anything. He never for one moment thought Greg was going through all of this, that he'd be so unprotected, in danger from the very people who were being paid to make sure these situations never arose. He was thankful to Bob and David, both of whom had done everything in their power to help him, to keep him safe. Above and beyond their pay checks too. But the others, they incensed him._**

**_-oOo-_**

**_The pain inside him was dying to make him scream aloud. But he contained it. He was going to get his buddy justice. Make sure he rested in peace. But for now, he was going to grieve, grieve for a lost friend whose soul was ripped out in one random moment. For a friend who lost his whole life in one foul swoop. For Greg._**

**A/N: Thanks for those who read along as I was writing. Thanks to anyone who read after it was completed. Thank you for all the reviews, and for any that follow. **

**Thanks to Luf100, happyharper13, sasukesmyemo394, Key to life, CarusoLover (who I've completely freaked out), CSIMiami17 (who has been on vacation and missed loads of updates), lilly moonlight, and Kevin's cutie, oh yeah, and Roxy, who gave me the inspiration, then tried to review but ff .net would't let her! You guys kept me plodding along.  
Sarry xx**


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